Out There

Are you out there? Can you hear me? Are you alone? Insecure amid the anxieties that besiege your frightened mind or are you secure in the knowledge that this new gaggle of acquaintances will shield you from the pain...at least for awhile.  You see I know what you’ve been exposed to day and in and day out since your childhood spent as a poor girl in a rich man’s house and I know how it cycles through your mind, again, and again, and again, making you want to scream for mercy or drown your liver in a poison tide.  Because it doesn’t matter whether you have that flock of hangers-on hanging off you or not, you’re alone and even behind a mask you can’t hide from it.

Circles within Circles

I remember kissing you at 90km per hour; though it felt like we were travelling at the speed of light.  Spinning round and round in circles like the world spins upon its axis and with the universe warping around us to the point where all reality disintegrates and one can only wait to be sub-atomically undone.  Yes, I remember waiting.  Waiting with a sinking feeling in my stomach for the centrifugal force to take hold of me and pitch me to the grim death that must surely come to those reckless enough to ride unsafe machinery at the behest of their crazy girlfriend.

But then I look at you: my sole constant amid the maddening blur of trees, grass, carnival rides and flashing neon lights against the night sky.  And you smile, holding close in my fear: daring me to go one step further, with you, as we journey together to the edge of sanity.  I remember the reassuring grip of your hand and I don’t want to let go – I don’t want to become so hard that I can no longer feel your touch through my armour which the universe is now stripping off and flinging in all directions like some volatile cosmic tornado that threatens to undo time itself.

I need you.  And even as the whirlpool claims me and the typhoon rages through my veins, coursing through a mind and a soul that is fighting for its life, my eyes are fixed on you – watching you and our love spinning round and round, circles within circles, spirals, ellipses, neutron stars, and unknown galaxies lit by the atomic fires of giant quasars – billion year-old light recycled and reborn, aging, and reborn, over and over – and I will know that there is order even in the depths of chaos.

I never wanted to let go.  You see this might seem to be one big cosmic joke but really, this crazy world is like that carnival ride and every day I find myself spinning in the dark toward my fate.  And it’s scary being alone.  I keep staring at the shifting walls of this vortex, tracing patterns amid shadows and trying to see your face.  Searching because I need you: I need your eyes, your smile, your kiss, your hand – to be my constant, the only thing that stays still amid the flux of reality.  Something real.  I will look at you, and not be afraid.